Expansion and Contraction

Our sense of self expands and contracts. This is natural.

This morning, I rolled into a ball around the arm of my husband. I wasn’t sad. I was small.

I thought about the performance this weekend. The publicness of it. I thought about the blog post that would be published this morning. I thought about fame and how there once was a time when I wanted it.

The idea of being visible was not appealing now. The idea of sharing who I am was not magnetic. Why would I want that?

This is contraction. Maybe we are all feeling a contraction of self right now as the economy falls and the institutions we have built our lives on crumble.

In my smallness, I am seeking safety. This often happens to me before a public performance. I want to hide. It is a realization that I am about to share myself with the public and I can’t control the outcome. I doubt whether it is worth the risk.

This is fine. Feel the smallness. Try to disappear.

In the Fall, around my 50th birthday, I felt such expansiveness. I felt huge. Fearless. I had endless resources to share. I knew what and how to do everything - it seemed.

Riding these waves of expansion and contraction. They are both necessary. One facilitates the other. Don’t fight it. Go in. Come out.