We performed at a psychedelic conference last weekend. There was tension. When you gift performance, the producers usually don’t want to spend even one dollar on the tech support to make sure it actually looks its best. Dance needs to be lit well against the video screen, the sound levels checked, and the spacing deliberately set. Even thirty dedicated minutes can be the difference between something looking adequate or phenomenal. I prefer phenomenal.
This discrepancy of perspective made the environment tense for us. We needed to go in, give a lot, knowing we were not being valued to the level I felt our hard work, preparation, and skill should warrant.
What to do?
I didn’t want to become defensive—that would have compromised what I was there to give. Performing is a vulnerable act when it is good. You have to open and share, and this is very hard when you don’t feel safe, supported, or valued enough. Not only that, the conference wasn’t really aimed at the creative process, which was my contribution. I wasn’t central to the three-day event. I have been the oddball before. This part isn’t new, but it takes energy to hold the space of the other.
I pulled out a tool I wasn’t aware I had. I decided to plug into self-love. I decided to aim my attention inward. I would love myself so hard that it came out of me.
Josh Johnson is a comedian my son and I like. He became my model in that moment—there’s a way he clearly loves himself on stage, and it comes through. It makes him irresistible.
This approach sustained me. It gave me the confidence to be myself during my talk and share deeply during my dance duet. I was able to flow, be open, and give my best. The lights weren’t great, the projection was cropped strangely, the bass in our soundtrack was borderline nauseating, but we gave something true and connected. We loved performing together, and the audience felt that. I enjoyed telling my stories about art and psychedelics, and I could feel the audience receiving them.
The director of the conference was dismissive, but the producer, MC, and social media staff expressed gratitude. It was enough.
Self-love turned out to be an effective shield in a tense environment.
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Ross Hollenkamp and Jodi Lomask perform “Tangled Green” at the Psychedelic Culture Conference.