I was abused as a child. The worst part was the forty years of silence that followed. A child can’t differentiate what happens to them and what happens due to them—so on some level, I felt like this secret was mine and that I had done something wrong. I had enough therapy to know intellectually that I was a child, and even if I had known what was happening, it wouldn’t have made a difference. But the secret of it all held a weight.
Now I live with a healthy fear of guilt. I don’t ever want to carry secrets. I will carry other people’s secrets, no problem. I have those skills. But I don’t want to behave—or find myself in a situation—that requires secrecy on my part. I diligently clean and organize my house. I diligently clean and organize my psyche. I like clarity. I like to be light.
Upon reading Jules Evans’ last post about narcissistic psychedelic guides, it had me wondering what keeps me from taking advantage of the opening of critical periods in my clients. Why don’t I put myself into their psyche in that open space so they imprint upon me? I respect boundaries formally. I support them, but I make it clear that their journey is not about me—my goal is to clear the path for them to commune with themselves and for me to disappear.
Psychedelic work creates a profound opening and therefore, asymmetries of power. What we do - or choose not to do - in those moments matters.
A healthy fear of guilt helps. I don’t want to interrupt someone’s psychological development and be responsible for more than I can truly provide. I don’t need a bunch of chicks imprinted on me. I know how much work parenting is. I also don’t want to take something from this sacred state of being.
My work is based on a desire to make our world a better place.
Maybe it is a fear of guilt, but maybe it is a hope for the world. Psilocybin journeys are one of the only deep and meaningful ways I know to adjust perspectives toward love, kindness, fulfillment, balance, and respect for the natural world. This intent is so much larger than my ego.
And if the medicine teaches anything at all, it is humility facing the grandeur of nature.